Thursday, June 30, 2011

Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean

So lately I have not been myself... letting myself get stressed and depressed and not being able to figure out why... now stress and depressed that just seems to happen sometimes....BUT not being able to figure out my next move.... that is the one that has thrown me for a loop. And then like an answer from heaven
I got this great email from "Zen Habits" and there it was.... my answer!

To realize that all my stress, frustration, disappointment, anger, irritation, pissed-offedness comes from one little thing? ME!!!  I have been setting myself up for all of this without even realizing it by MY expectations... of myself and mostly of others. I build up all these expectations in my head of what other people should do, what my life should be like, how other people should behave
and yet it’s all fantasy. It’s not real.

 It is in my mind...

So here is my plan... I am going to take ALL my expectations, and throw them in the ocean.

Wanting a parent to act like a parent instead of friend isn't going to happen, and there is nothing I can do to make it happen so I am picking that one up and throwing it into the ocean (ok I don't have an ocean but my pond!)

Wanting a lazy teen to stop acting like a prima donna that she  has become and thinking I can control it is crazy!

Wanting another to get it together and realizing that partying all the time isn't going to make life better but harder... another expectation I need to let go! PLOP!

Wanting my parents to have control over their lives instead of giving it all away to a dream that may or may not happen.   
Bye!Bye... these are things I can not control, these are things I am not meant to control... these are trials I am not meant to fix or CONTROL. There are things in life that I have to let others learn.

SO I am going  to picture  all the expectations I have for myself, my life, my MR, my kids, and the world.
Pick up an expectation and let it go... watching the rippling effects as it is carried away... never to be mine again.
I am going to let them go, I am going to stop letting my expectations control my life.

NOW I will live my life without them.

I will accept reality as it is, without trying to force people into MY way of thinking, my way of parenting, my way of handling a situation.... . 

Life where I am  NOT disappointed or frustrated or angry because people aren't living the way I want them to. So hard but so worth it if I can learn to walk in a world excepting  people for who they are. Doing what I do because  it is what I want to do, not because I expect something in return. Accepting how things are not the way I want them to be. It will take some time to learn this new behavior and make it happen but I am determined to do it.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

6 Ugly Little Letters

I sit here waiting and wondering how 6 little ugly letters can change a life. The word they create brings so much sorrow, fear, and worry.

CANCER... such a ugly little word.

It can take a beautiful life and turn it upside down and inside out. And that is what I have watched it do to our Aunt V. Not that she shows it with complaints or even in attitude. She is strong  She isn't one of these little blue haired ladies that sits and lets life slowly drift by, her hair is more of a steel gray as if to rebel against the fact that she is 82 and until 3 months ago she led her fellow ladies at their exercise group. She took walks every morning before most the rest of us were up. Now she can't even attend the class let alone lead it.

She has gone from 135 lbs to 117 lbs and looks much weaker then I have ever seen her look. She faces everything head on. The chemo (which was with pills) has really taken it's toll. Swelling her mouth and tongue, giving her a rash and making her head itch. But now they say the tumor has not grown and she starts radiation.

The radiation should (we cross our fingers) kill this evil thing!  6 weeks of Monday through Friday of radiation. Hitting that evil thing with an intense laser and hoping and praying it is destroyed. Today she gets her permanent tattoo's. ( I tease her that I knew she was rebel and always wanted tattoo's, and she laughs and scolds me ) 3 of them to forever mark her body and show the fight she has started. This is so the machine knows exactly where to hit each time it enters her body.

Well Cancer you may have started this fight but I wonder if you know who you are against. Fight Aunt V will. She may be "old" because the clock of Father Time says so but you don't know how strong that body, mind and will are. She will fight so she can feed her ducks, and remind of us times gone by. She will fight because that is who she is. A fighter. And if she stops trying to fight I will pick her up and remind her how much we love her and why she needs to continue to fight. Cancer you may have your 6 ugly little letters but we still have our 4 beautiful ones... HOPE and with that we will not give up!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

If Someone Would Have Told Me 3 Years Ago....

If someone had told me 3 years ago that I would wake each morning at 6 am to go and milk goats, feed and water chickens,ducks and spend time weeding and caring for my garden each day, AND then repeat the same routine (i am horrible with schedules) at 6 pm each night. I truly would have laughed at them, called them crazy and excused myself for a nap!
Just the thought of it would have exhausted me! 
But it is true. 
This is my life each day. AND I LOVE IT!!!!

When I look in the mirror anymore it is strange as the girl looking back is not the girl I used to be.
But I like her! 
I like her messy hair, and muddy boots. I like the sun glow she has from working in the yard. And I tell you there is nothing better then goat kisses... REALLY!
(You ought to get one.
To have that kind of love from an animal is amazing. Yes I have always had that from my dogs, but goats are just a little more of surprise.

I still LoVe beautiful things. I have just found myself finding more beauty in watching ducks splash in pond, seeing little plants breaking the ground and bring forth food for my family. And watching them do things that make me laugh and surprise me. I mean really have you ever seen a goat steal your daughter Popsicle? I have!

And the look on her face was great! I must have laughed half the day! What a feeling!

I still like make up and fixing myself up, but it is more of a special me time now then "this is my routine" but I feel healthy, and strong. And I feel more beautiful then I ever have. More comfortable with who "I" am. And my Mr. still thinks I am sexy! lol

Instead of working out in the gym I move hay, turn over my compost, clean out barns, rototiller my garden. Instead of getting my nails done and keeping them from breaking I feel the wonderfulness of dirt and digging. It is such a wonderful life I am blessed with. Each day I get to sit outside and just take in the beauty of
God's design, 
 of his creatures,
and his peace. 
I am amazed at much I used to miss.